Free To Pee
From Wazoo In Effigy
Free To Pee
This is the third character sketch in a row, and by now you can feel the album’s central comic engine humming: here is Rose the comic who has been hiding inside Rose the diarist all along, and “Free To Pee” is a full-blown one-act farce set to a brisk 3/4 that never once invites you to waltz. The whole thing hangs on the tension between Ted’s escalating legal defense and Linda, whose entire vocabulary is a barked “TED!” landing on a sax-and-synth stab: the negotiation, the physics, the improved trajectory, all delivered with the wounded dignity of a man arguing before a court that does not exist. The doo-wop chorus turning martial by the second pass is the joke doing double duty, and the bridge is where it earns its keep, when the band drops to organ and bass and Ted goes philosopher: “That’s water, patience, gravity, the original authority,” then “Fifty-eight has humbled better men than me.” There is real craft in how the outro cuts everything dead and loops back to that opening “Damn. Be right back,” a punchline that reframes the whole five minutes as a bit Ted has clearly run before. It is broad, and coming after two comparably staged farces a few of the stop-start verses run longer than the gag strictly needs, so this is one for the room rather than the headphones; but as a piece of theater it holds the floor and knows exactly what it is.
Lyrics
Damn. Be right back
Before you say anything — I tried the bottle Winn-Dixie locked the door the second I walked out There was a Coke in the console, maybe twelve ounces I had a container. I had a plan. I had no doubt I sat behind the wheel and told myself, "Hold on." I've said that all my life. It's always worked for me Turns out there's a statute of limitations—
TED
I'm explaining the physics So I opened the door to improve the trajectory Missed the bottle. Hit the seat. Minor collateral damage
NO
I said minor Then the bottle hit the pavement and rolled under the car At that point, Linda, the negotiation was over
WHAT
Nature made the ruling. I merely complied And naturally, that's when a patrol car drove by
Now tell me who the victim was The pavement didn't file a plea They call it a victimless crime but if there was a victim, it was me
Free to pee, free to pee My own body turned on me No one hurt, no property So why ain't I free to pee (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee) That's all I'm asking (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee) A little understanding Free to pee
Now take the dog next door. Explain him He lifts one leg against my mailbox every day Nobody cuffs him, nobody cites him somebody scratches his head and calls him "good boy" anyway A horse can let go right in the street A pigeon drops evidence from thirty feet But a man obeys the same command—
TED
I'm discussing equal treatment under the law You can write an ordinance, laminate it, frame it — nature never signed a thing Nature never saw your zoning map Nature never read the code And when nature serves the summons brother, somebody's gotta go
Free to pee, free to pee Nature don't need a permit from me Dog gets praise, I get a fee— Tell me where's the equity (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee) It's basic biology (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee) Not public anarchy I didn't choose the time I didn't choose the place I simply answered nature and got paperwork in my face FREE TO PEE
And who decides what's decent anyway Some committee sitting downtown over coffee Were any of them standing in that parking lot Did anybody bother asking me
NO
Exactly Nature gives me orders. That's bad enough Now City Hall wants jurisdiction too One says, "Go!" The other says, "Don't!" And somehow I'm the one who's supposed to know what to do You regulate parking You regulate signs You regulate what day they pick up the trash But when nature bangs the gavel, gentlemen your little ordinance can kiss my—
TED
…constitutional ass
Before there was a courthouse before there was a code a man drank water and sooner or later, he had to go That's not rebellion That's not depravity That's water, patience, gravity — the original authority And don't you laugh, Linda Fifty-eight has humbled better men than me
TED
I'm saying nature has seniority
I wasn't always a man who needed a plan
Ted
FREE TO PEE
(Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee!) FREE TO PEE (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee!) No board, no badge, bureaucracy gets seniority over biology Call it indecent, charge your fee — you cannot legislate necessity (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee!) From every dog and every tree (Free-ee-ee-ee to pee-ee-ee-ee!) A basic human liberty I tried the bottle I tried the seat I fought the law and the law fought me So raise your voice for dignity — FREE TO PEE
Ted
…I know
… Damn. Be right back